LOSS WITHOUT WARNING: navigating the loss of a sibling

"It's the principle of the situation" is what my sister always liked to say. Bailey, being nine years older than I, was a big influence on me as I got older. Whether it was with advice, or just wanting to copy her, she always influenced me in some way. When I was young, we would fight and attack each other like siblings do, but getting older and understanding struggles, I could finally understand and relate to her, grow closer to her, until we were practically the same people in different fonts.

Hearing the news of what had happened lives in my mind constantly on repeat, almost as if I'm in the present, but mentally stuck on that day. Hearing the words that she was gone, I immediately was in shock and at a loss for words. Life genuinely did not feel real. Everything after that just came piling on.

There are days where I'll feel fine, and within seconds, my mood is ruined. Even if it's a song we used to play in the car together or something we had to eat, anything that even resembles her in the slightest will be a trigger for me. There ends up not being any good days, even months after.

Bailey Rose

One thing I keep reflecting on is my milestones she'll miss and her future. She won't see me graduate or get my license or even meet her nieces and nephews. But most importantly, she won't get her dream wedding and be the mother she always fantasized about being.

Bay

Not being able to hear her voice, or even spend one more day with her, is the worst of it all. Having to use past tense while speaking about her, and not even knowing the life she could've had, and having the person who caused this be here instead of her. All of these things make it harder to carry on without her.

Coping isn't something that I, my mom, or anybody else is going to get through easily. Every day is going to be a battle and a hard one at that. People can try to understand and sympathize, but nobody will truly understand someone else's situation until they've lived through it.

Different stages of Bailey

I always wondered how it would feel to lose someone, and I didn't think I would feel this way for a long time, but, unfortunately, I do. It's the most gut wrenching and indescribable feeling. Growing up with somebody and having to spend the rest of your life without them will never be easy. That's what to expect when you lose your older sister.